I don't even know what to say

I do not want to write this blog. For some reason, I feel as if putting the words to paper, or computer screen in this case, will make them true. As if they aren't true anyway.

My grandma is dying.

Not in the "we're all dying" fashion. No, in the cancer started in her kidney and moved swiftly and silently into her bones and is now trying to, or perhaps already has, infiltrate her brain fashion. As in, when she told the doctor I was planning a trip to see her in the next couple of weeks, he told her to see if I could come now instead. That's the kind of dying we're talking about here.

I am not ready for this. We lost my grandpa far, far too early to cancer. Six years later, we lost my other grandpa. For 11 years I've had only grandmothers, but that was ok because I still had both of them. Now...well, now I feel like everything is falling apart.

I am going on Tuesday to see my grandma, possibly (and probably) for the last time. We just came off spring break and now I will be leaving my students in the hands of substitutes for 4 days. Unfortunate doesn't begin to describe the situation. Overwhelmed and emotional doesn't even come close to describing my mental state right now. I go from being fine to suddenly realizing that this is happening and losing it all over again. Why am I so emotional over this? I've been "ready" for it for years. I've thought about losing her, losing both of my grandmothers, since my grandpas died. Ha. As if a person could ever be ready for this.

Why is this one hitting me so hard? You'd think, at 29 years old, having been through this already, that it would be easier. Why doesn't it get easier? She is 79 years old. She has lived a long, good life. That's not enough. I want it to be longer. I want it to be good-er.

I need to go figure out what to have my students do while I'm gone. I need to focus on the minutiae. I think it may be the only way I can function during my only day at work this week.