I don't even know what to say

I do not want to write this blog. For some reason, I feel as if putting the words to paper, or computer screen in this case, will make them true. As if they aren't true anyway.

My grandma is dying.

Not in the "we're all dying" fashion. No, in the cancer started in her kidney and moved swiftly and silently into her bones and is now trying to, or perhaps already has, infiltrate her brain fashion. As in, when she told the doctor I was planning a trip to see her in the next couple of weeks, he told her to see if I could come now instead. That's the kind of dying we're talking about here.

I am not ready for this. We lost my grandpa far, far too early to cancer. Six years later, we lost my other grandpa. For 11 years I've had only grandmothers, but that was ok because I still had both of them. Now...well, now I feel like everything is falling apart.

I am going on Tuesday to see my grandma, possibly (and probably) for the last time. We just came off spring break and now I will be leaving my students in the hands of substitutes for 4 days. Unfortunate doesn't begin to describe the situation. Overwhelmed and emotional doesn't even come close to describing my mental state right now. I go from being fine to suddenly realizing that this is happening and losing it all over again. Why am I so emotional over this? I've been "ready" for it for years. I've thought about losing her, losing both of my grandmothers, since my grandpas died. Ha. As if a person could ever be ready for this.

Why is this one hitting me so hard? You'd think, at 29 years old, having been through this already, that it would be easier. Why doesn't it get easier? She is 79 years old. She has lived a long, good life. That's not enough. I want it to be longer. I want it to be good-er.

I need to go figure out what to have my students do while I'm gone. I need to focus on the minutiae. I think it may be the only way I can function during my only day at work this week.

You know you're a theatre geek when...

I found this list on Facebook. It is so true. So very, very true.


You’ve said countless times, “I can’t. I have rehearsal.”

Anyone who says Macbeth has a death wish.

You realize theater is your social life and you don’t have any friends outside of theater.

Stress is a way of life.

Cast parties rank right up there with birthday parties.

You never realized how much fun you had at rehearsals until you don’t have any more.

Once the production is over you don't know what to do with your time.

You love going to see other productions just to compare them to yours.

You go see other productions and cringe when you see people that can’t act.

You could easily set up a cot and live in the theater. You’re there all the time anyway.

You dread the thought of having rehearsal, but the second you get there you don’t want to leave.

You meet someone from another theater and instantly become best friends.

You beg all of your friends to come see you in the play when you are only onstage for two minutes.

You don't think twice about seeing guys in make-up or tights.

You're in public and look like you're talking to yourself because you are reciting your monologue.

You are a techie and want to strangle the actors because you have their lines memorized better than they do.

You know what Hell Week is.

If you put on a musical, you randomly sing all the songs at any time of day even if it is a musical you hate.

Sleep? What is sleep?

You swear like a sailor.

You've been dubbed a "Stage Nazi" or a "Tech God."

There's more drama backstage than there is onstage.

Actors and techies argue about who has more work.

You quote lines from previous plays you've done when you have casual conversations with friends.

You know what spiking is, and it's not what you do to hair.

You've been working with the same people so long that you have blackmail to last a lifetime.

Applause after a show is the best sound ever.

You have a sigh of relief when you are doing a comedy and you hear the audience laughing.

You can't remember what a home cooked meal tastes like, but you can remember every single way Taco Bell makes a taco or burrito.

Modesty is long forgotten.

You pride yourself in how fast you can strip your clothes off and change costumes. (Or help people strip!)

Spring break, and other plans

So.

Originally we were going to spend spring break in a bed and breakfast in Couer d'Alene, ID followed by time at my grandma's house in Missoula. Unfortunately, Grandma is in the hospital in Arizona right now and likely won't be back in Missoula in time for us to visit.

Ricky already has the week of spring break off, so we decided to spend a couple of the days in Bend at my family's cabin and the rest of the time at home, hanging out, catching up on housework, maybe getting our coat closet done the way we want it? No matter, it will just be fun to hang with my husband and spend some quality time together. Not to mention the awesome time we'll have in Bend at the High Desert Museum.

Now, onto the other plans: My cousin, Garrett, graduates from high school this summer and will be visiting us at the end of June. This is technically his second trip to Portland, but his first really doesn't count - they flew in on Thursday and flew home on Sunday, with our rehearsal dinner on Friday and wedding on Saturday. There wasn't much sightseeing going on then! We're excited to have him visit for about a week and show him all that Portland offers. One of these days I'm going to get some part of my family to move out here, I'm just not sure which part it's going to be yet!

In August sometime Ricky and I are going to head back to South Bend, IN to see my family. It's been nearly 3 years since we've made it there, and we miss them all terribly. We're not yet sure when we'll be able to travel since we don't know what my work schedule looks like yet, but sometime between sending the Chinese students back to China and having to report back to school for the new school year we plan on spending a week or so in South Bend. Included in that week I expect an escorted road trip to Michigan City for a White Castle fix!

We're pretty excited for these plans. It's been a while since we really had a vacation, so we're very excited for a few days away in Bend, and we're really excited for Garrett to come here and for us to go there to see everyone. It seems like so far away but I know time will fly and it will be here before we know it.