Back in the saddle again

I hate that I struggle with my weight.

It started when I quit playing ball, really. Oh sure, I always thought I was fat...because I was built bigger than girls I went to school with and I couldn't wear a size 2 after about 2nd grade. I realize now, I wasn't fat. I'm just built that way. I'm built like my dad. I'm built, in essence, like a guy - broad shoulders, wide...but fat? No. Not in high school, not in college.

I'll never be a size 2. I'll be lucky if I can get to a size 12. But for me, that's ok - it's the shape my body is meant to have.

What's not meant to be is all this extra fat I'm carrying around. I'm out of shape, or in the wrong kind of shape, or something.

Playing ball, staying thin was easy. We were working out a lot, running a lot...and eating a lot, but it didn't matter because we burned so many calories. You try pitching 3+ games a weekend and tell me you're not working hard!

The thing is, I hate working out, so when I don't have a reason to...well, I just don't. I've never liked it, and it was always a struggle, but I did it because I knew I had to in order to be better at the sport I loved, in order to excel. Now I have no motivation, no competition, no real reason to do it. Other than my health, of course.

So here I am, back on the wagon. I'm trying to quit eating like I'm playing 5 games a weekend and get back to eating the way I know I'm supposed to. I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life and I hate it. So I'm changing. It's not going to be easy, and I may have setbacks, but I know I can do this.

Now, will someone please remind me of that when I try to quit again?

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What a lovely Saturday

This morning, Mom and I got up and did the Milwaukie Daze 5k walk. Milwaukie Daze is a festival in our town that used to be a big deal - carnival rides, vendors hocking their wares, food, and an overall good time. There was even a parade! A few years ago, they started scaling back and then eliminated it all together. It was really a shame, as the parade was fun and the carnival was always a nice time.

This year, the powers that be decided to do a 5k fun run/walk to raise money for Milwaukie Daze. I don't know if it means it will be restored to it's former glory, but perhaps the parade and a smaller version of the carnival will be back. Really, all I want is the food!

Included with our walk registration was entrance to a pancake breakfast afterward. We went, but it was hot and steamy and crowded, not to mention Mom doesn't like pancakes! Instead, we trekked a few blocks down to Sully's Cafe, a great little breakfast and lunch spot in downtown Milwaukie. We had a wonderful breakfast - Mom had corned beef hash, I had the smoked salmon omelette - complete with toast and homemade strawberry jam. Yum!

It really was the perfect start to what could have been a gloomy Saturday. The weather is gray and rainy, but a walk and breakfast with my mom started the day off just right.

Miranda Lambert - The House That Built Me

As I was driving home tonight, this song came on the radio. As I listened to the words, the tears began to flow. There was no stopping them. As I sit here typing and listening again, again the tears have started.

So why does this song hit me so hard? I loved my grandparents' house in the valley. It was a home they built for two families - one upstairs and one downstairs. My grandma's parents lived downstairs and Grandma and Grandpa lived upstairs. I spent a lot of time there, spending the night with Grandma and Grandpa. I was born the day my great-grandma died, just a few hours later, and I barely remember great-grandpa, but I remember that house with such fondness.

Grandma and Grandpa moved away from there when I was young, maybe 6 or 7, but I've always loved that house. Sometimes I'll drive by, and I always want to knock on the door, explain who I am, and go look around. I know from the window treatments that not much has changed. I want to see if the mint green carpet is still in the dining room and if the black bunny still comes to the backyard. I want to go downstairs and sink my toes into the plush burnt orange carpet. I want to sit on the back deck and watch the fireworks on the 4th of July.

Grandma and Grandpa are both gone now, and somehow getting into that house seems like it'd help in some way. As Miranda Lambert says, "I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing." It's true - I swear if I could just come in I'd leave...won't take nothin' but a memory.

Astroturf and a Hanging Basket

I am terrible with yard work and plant maintenance. Part of it is black thumbs. Why oh why couldn't I have gotten the garden-growing genes that are in the family?? Part of it is just my overall dislike for doing thing that get my hands dirty or get dirt in my shoes or that get me wet when I don't want to be. I don't like to rake leaves, spread barkdust, plant flowers, water flowers...the list goes on and on. Yet every year, I try. Some years I do keep some things alive, some years everything dies, but every year I think, "this will be the year!" After 7 summers of trying this in my own yard you'd think I'd give up by now, but nope!

When I was little, my general disdain for all things yardwork related led me to say that when I grew up my yard was going to be astroturf and I would have a hanging basket for decor. No weeding, no mowing, just a little water now and again. Perfect. I've always loved Fuschias, so I figured my hanging basket would be a Fuschia, dark purple insides with the hot pink outsides. Of course, I learned very quickly at the old house that we didn't have anyplace shady enough for a Fuschia basket so I couldn't fulfill my dreams.

We've been in the new house nearly 2 years now, and this will be our 3rd summer here. There's no astroturf (although maybe I should mention that to Ricky, he might go for it if I could convince him it'd be less work!) but the first plant I've purchased each year for 3 years now is a Fuschia hanging basket. It always feels like spring is here to stay once I've got my basket hanging by the front door.

Help for Mr. Trildok

My friend, Brian, is a theatre geek like me. Unlike me, he is a comic book nerd. His nerdiness is not limited to reading though. Oh, no, he writes them too.

Actually, I shouldn't call him a nerd. Well, I should, cause he totally is (love ya Bri!) but it's not because of his writing. He's a very talented writer and story teller, and an all around awesome guy, which is why you should help him.

You see, Brian's very witty comic, Mr Trildok Sings the Blues, is a contestant in the current Zuda Comics contest. Winning will bring him fame, fortune, and a bevy of women at his disposal. Ok, not really, but it will boost his ego and enable him to provide more entertainment via Mr Trildok. Which is why you should vote for him. Here's how:

1) Go to http://www.zudacomics.com/
2) Register with a valid email address. Very important that it be valid.
3) Wait for the email from Zuda. Be patient, it might take a few minutes.
4) Click on second link in the email. That'd be the insanely long one that you're glad is hyperlinked cause you'd never remember the whole thing if you had to type it into your browser.
5) Once you are logged in, click on the Mr Trildok Sings the Blues icon and then

A) Vote for Mr Trildok.
B) Make it one of your favorites
C) Give it 5 out of 5 stars

It is important that you do all of steps A, B and C. All three things add together to give them their rank, so doing all three will help propel them forward that much faster.

They've been jockeying for first with Eldritch and trading positions for a few days now. Your vote, rank and favoritizing will help put them solidly in first, ensuring that Bri---I mean, Mr Trildok --- will live to terrorize another day.

Controlling the controllables

One of the things that was drilled into my head as a softball player is to "control the controllables." We cannot control the weather, the field conditions, the umpire, the other team....but we can control our own actions, thoughts, and preparation. I cannot control the holes in the outfield, but I can control whether or not I know where they are. I cannot control the umps zone, but I can control where I put the ball. It's all about adapting and adjusting to the conditions of the day that are beyong our control, and controlling things that are controllable.

Ricky and I have decided to begin applying this to our lives. Before, we were kind of living by the "we're all going to die anyway!" philosophy of living. After watching how painful it is to die, or live, with cancer, we've decided that it's time to change that attitude. We have begun controlling the controllables when it comes to what we put into our bodies and our environment.

I cannot control the cancer genes in my family. On my dad's side alone I can count 8 blood related cancer victims. Some beat their cancer, some had multiple episodes, some lost their battle, but all of them are blood relations and most of those cancers were lung or breast. Yikes. I can't change that. Nor can I change the fact that there is a significant history of heart disease in my family. Since I can't change my genes, I'm changing my habits.

I've done a ton of reading on "clean eating" and we've made the switch to eat as many things as possible with as few preservatives or chemicals as we can. This means lots (and lots and lots and lots) of label reading, but it's so worth it. We found delicious crackers at Trader Joe's that are much like Triscuits but so much tastier - and I can pronounce every ingredient in those crackers. In fact, I know where to find all of the ingredients in a grocery store.

It's amazing how much of the food we consume has preservatives and chemicals in it. We would never put those things in if we were making a recipe from a cookbook, so why do we accept it in our store bought foods?

I've also been watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. What a great show! He's right - we need to change the way we eat in America. So no more processed cheese foods. No more Chicken nugget shaped patties. Just cheese, and chicken, and everything else that I can pronounce. As Jamie said on the last episode of his show, "If you read the ingredient list and it sounds like a NASA experiment, don't buy it! If it sounds like your nana's pantry - eggs, flour, that sort of thing - then rock and roll!"

So that's what we're trying to do. And now, a list of some of the products that we think "rock and roll."

• Newman-O's Hint of Mint Cookies
• Trader Joe's Reduced Guilt Brownies
• Trader Joe's Reduced Guilt Woven Wheat Crackers
• Haagen Dazs Five Ice Cream
• Trader Joe's Organic Cinnamon Spice Instant Oatmeal
• Whole Wheat Pasta (any brand, just be sure it's truly whole wheat pasta; the only ingredient should be Whole Wheat or Semolina flour)
• Spinach Pasta (same deal as the wheat, but the ingredient should be spinach)
• Trader Joe's Crushers Fruit Sauce in Apple Carrot

We're new at this, so we're still trying various products, but so far so good. We have yet to try something we didn't like. Thankfully, we were already fairly wholesome in our dinner foods, it was breakfast and lunch that needed some help, as well as our snacks and sweets. I was pretty much living off of Jimmy Dean D-Lites bowls and sandwiches for breakfast and Lean Cuisines or Smart Ones for lunch. Those 100 Calorie packs were pretty much an every day staple, and I just don't think it was good. Now I have a higher calorie dessert, but I know the ingredients going into my body are natural and much higher quality. Plus, a little bit of something really good goes a long way (and those 100 calorie packs aren't really all that good, in comparison).

We've still got a ways to go, but it's been fun so far. We're not going to be hardcore about it - if we want to go out to eat, we will, and if we decide we want a delctable chemical filled snack, then we'll have it. After tasting all these great new choices, though, I can honestly say I have no desire for any of that stuff. The new things are much tastier.